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A Cataclysmic Assignment
August 31st, 2008 by dimapakali
The following is part of an assignment that I submitted as a requirement for Guidance and Counseling:
I remember attending a relationship seminar before getting married. The resource person stressed the importance of communication in marriage. He said that trust, fostered by an open communication between the couple, is one of the foundations of successful relationships. It is unfortunate that I was too preoccupied with the details of my wedding to keep in mind all his words of wisdom. It could have saved me from the pain, bitterness and uncertainty caused by a separation.
My husband and I were an odd fit from the start. He is carefree, outgoing and artistic while I am demanding, serious, and shy. Our relationship was met with a lot of raised eyebrows and doubt. How could our relationship work when we have nothing in common? He is a hip-hop artist, while I hardly listen to music, let alone rap music! I am committed to my work, while he is committed to his craft. How could it possibly work?
We made it work. We loved each other. We complemented each other. We both filled what the other one lacked. Besides, we connected intellectually. He was one of the smartest and interesting individual that I have ever met. He made me see things from a different perspective. I was drawn to his passion for his craft because it resonated with my own passion for work. I was drawn to him because he was exciting and fun – a far cry from the usual people I normally encounter in school.
We loved each other and we started making plans for the future. We were discouraged by the people around us, but we both didn’t listen to them. We both reasoned that they were not the ones involved in the relationship. At the end of the day, the relationship was between us, and it was up to both of us to make it work.
Now, almost three years after we vowed to love and support each other unconditionally, he decided to leave me and our daughter to find himself again. He said that it was suffocating being with me and my extended family. He said that he was tired from all the fighting and pretending. He said that he wasn’t himself whenever he was with me.
On hindsight, I would say that what caused the demise of my marriage was we both stopped trying. We stopped talking and listening to each other. Our attempts to talk usually ended in bitter fights. Communicating was reduced to a blame game wherein both of us tried to outscore each other by digging up the past. It was painful communicating. No matter how hard we tried to be reasonable, we always ended up fighting and hating each other’s guts.
Our relationship was reduced to a battle of the wills, wherein each of us was trying to impose his/her will on the other. I began questioning his intentions in marrying me. I began to listen to my parents, who never failed (they still do!) to point out to me that staying with my husband is a mistake. I got so preoccupied with my doubts and concerns that I stopped empathizing with my husband. I started resenting his passion for his music, which I initially admired and respected. I began seeing his craft and everyone involved in it as “competition” for his affection. I stopped understanding him. I stopped seeing his good sides and started focusing on his bad sides.
I began to see myself as a victim, and made him feel guilty every chance I got. I became so paranoid that his attempts of sharing his other concerns with put me on a defensive mode. For me, his sharing his problems with me was his way of blaming me and making me feel guilty for everything wrong that was happening in his life. Gradually, we stopped talking and started suppressing our thoughts and concerns. It was our means to avoid trouble and to stay together. It didn’t work though. The ploy eventually blew up in our faces. We became miserable and secretly blamed each other.
One day he just left and didn’t come back. It devastated me when he refused to come back despite my pleas. It was humiliating contacting all his friends, so that I can reach him. It was even more difficult going to work as if nothing happened. All I wanted was to stay in bed and wallow in pity, but skipping work and disappointing my family was a luxury I couldn’t afford.
My husband was far from perfect. He had countless faults. But he was not the only one in the relationship; we were both responsible for the break up. Both of us have a strong personality – this strength ultimately became our weakness because we both refused to compromise to try to make things work. He refused to stay and find work near our place. It was torturous and emasculating for him to live under the same room with my parents. He was too involved in his craft that he began to neglect his responsibility as a provider – both financially and emotionally. I, on the other hand, was so accustomed and comfortable in our set up that I failed to notice that he was suffering. I refused to leave my work and to start working in the metro. The prospect of working for another person and not being in control scares me. The prospect of quitting school is even scarier. My family and the school (i.e., the teachers and students) are important to me. Quitting is tantamount to disappointing all of them, including myself.
Now if only I could turn back time…
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on December 28th, 2008 at 6:00 am
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