Recent update
- A Survey to start the year!
- Survey Says
- Unwelcome Remark
- Walang Magawa
- A Cataclysmic Assignment
- Birthday Musings
- Disconnected
- Jamimi
- Letters
- Surreal Conversation with a 21st Century Sage
A Survey to start the year!
January 5th, 2009 by dimapakali
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
I sent a grovelling e-mail to my ex asking him to come back. I was lonely and I missed him. I realized now that he was probably laughing his ass off when he read the mail.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t remember making one. It would be pointless. I am weak. I easily succumb to, hmm, temptations. I made a couple this year though. First, I vow to stay away from pork and rice. Second, be more tolerant and patient in dealing with Jamie. Third, wake up from the emotional rut that I am in. Hmmm, let’s see if I have the fortitude to keep them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Hmmm, a college friend gave birth, but we are not exactly close. She’s a doctor now and I am deathly afraid of doctors. hehehe
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Salamat sa Diyos, wala naman!
5. What countries did you visit?
I didn’t go anywhere this year. The farthest place I went to was Baguio City. I know, I lead such a pathetic existence. hehehe
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
I would love to be able to make my own decisions without getting flak from my parents. I would love to get a job away from home. Helping out in the family business is noble, but it is just not doing anything for my personal development.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Nothing remarkable happened to me this year. LIke I said, I lead such a pathetic life.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not giving up on my classes. I actually started and finished , what a surprise! I am having a hard time finishing this semester though. tsk. tsk.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not having the courage to make it on my own. I have deluded myself into thinking that my parents need me, but they don’t. They just want me near so that I won’t make the same mistakes I made in the past.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nah, thank god!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
I don’t know. I didn’t buy any major thing this year. Most of my money went to clothes which I hardly wear. What a waste!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Jamie’s. She’s turning into a precious gem. Just looking at her makes me forget all the things that happened between me and her pop.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My dad’s. He has never praised me for all the things I have done for his business. All he ever sees when he looks at me is what I failure I am for getting pregnant out-of-wedlock and for marrying someone who is not remotely interested in me.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Savings and shopping. hehehe
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Parang wala masyado. Puro trabaho eh. Sa 2009, promise, mas mag-eenjoy ako.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
I am not into music and that hasn’t changed…
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
sadder but wiser
ii. thinner or fatter?
Fatter. Haha. Ayos lang. hindi naman major obesity.
iii. richer or poorer?
poorer
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Meet more people. Date. Travel.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Get depressed because of the failure of my marriage.
20. How will you be spending Valentines?
~ Hmmm, I’ll be having dinner with someone interesting and funny. Somebody who will not make me pay the freaking tab.
21. What was your favorite month of 2008?
This year was a disaster… I am glad it is over.
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Hmmm, no.
23. How many one-night stands?
You should be asking my ex this question, not me! I am a prude!
24. What was your favorite TV program?
I don’t usually watch tv. I’d rather watch a movie or read a book.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
~ Hmmm, nah.
26. What was the best book you read?
Well, Freakonomics was an interesting read. I haven’t jumped into the Twilight series bandwagon, but I just might the minute I am done with my freaking digital portfolio.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jamie. Mark my words, she will be a star someday. hehehe
28. What did you want and get?
Nothing. I’m too broke to buy anything of value.
29. What did you want and not get?
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Survey Says
November 11th, 2008 by dimapakali
I love answering surveys, for it delights my narcissistic and solipsistic spirit and exercises my brain. Besides surveys are one way of giving my fans (geez! I guess the rock star persona of my ex sorta rubbed off on me…) a glimpse of my complex persona… So here goes:
If someone were to spell your name wrong, how would they spell it?
> I haven’t met anyone who misspelled my name. I just get the usual “Myra Cough syrup” comment which is just lame. I get it. My parents don’t have imagination, you don’t have to rub it in my face…
Is your phone close to you?
> My phone has ceased being an extension of my life. I’m actually surprised that I still own one. I only use it to play sudoku before I go to sleep.
What’s bothering you right now?
> Nothing really. There are times, however, that I feel weak and miss the days when I was still with he-who-must-not-be-named, but I immediately squash these flights of fancy by remembering the bad times.
Bet you’re missing someone now?
> I’m not supposed to and I don’t want to but i do. I am weak like a firefly drawn to the light which will eventually kill it.
What do you want to be when you’re older?
> I want to be independent. I want to lead my life the way that I want to, not the way that others expect me to. Oh, I also want to be filthy rich (which leave me a couple of options like re-marrying rich or religiously playing lotto).
If you were given $100, would you spend it, or save it ?
> Are you kidding me? A hundred dollars is less than five thousand pesos? Well, I guess I will finally buy myself those killer Steve Madden hills.
What were you doing at midnight last night?
> I was dreaming about a better place and time.
Are you listening to music right now?
> I rarely listen to music. I’d rather read to calm my nerves. (Geek alert!)
Do you get along with girls?
> It depends on the girl. I don’t get along with gossips, backfighters, and pretenders, which means that I rarely meet girls I like.
Do you like surprises?
> I love surprises, especially those which involve tearing gift wrappers.
What are you doing tomorrow?
> The same freaking thing I do every week day — go to school and teach.
Do you like your name?
> not really…
Do you crack your knuckles?
> nah… I have other means of releasing my aggression.
What were you doing 20 minutes ago?
> Going back to school.
Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
> yeah, I never let the day pass without kissing Jamie. These are usually the highlights of my day.
Bonfire or fireplace?
> hmmm, either just as long as I get to be close to someone who is in love with me deeply.
Do you ever write notes on your hand?
> nah.
Where did you sleep last night?
> the living room. I was up late watching dvd.
When was the last time you were in a swimming pool?
> last summer?
Have you ever fallen backwards on a chair?
> nah. ?
Whats on your mind right now?
> What I will be doing tonight at home. I just want to be busy. I seriously need something, anything that will keep me occupied.
Have you ever gone Christmas caroling?
> nah. I can’t carry a tune. I guess this is the reason why I am attracted to musicians.
Do you think you’re old?
> yeah… I am… The stress and heart aches are taking a toll on my looks.
What are you looking forward to in the next month?
> We are transferring to our new house, so I guess that will mean a new life.
When was the last time you talked to number 1 on your featured friends?
> I can’t remember.
Have you ever told anyone you were OK when you really weren’t?
> I’m an expert when it comes to that.
Do you think anyone in general out there loves you?
> There really is no reason to hate me.
Where’s the last place you went?
> I can’t remember…
Do you smile often?
> of course
If you were being chased by an alligator, what would you do?
> run?
Would you ever change for a boy/girl?
> only for the better… but it will be tough…
Is there anyone that you wish was out of your life?
> hmmm, I want more people in my life actually, so that I would feel less empty.
Were you happy when you woke up today?
> not really.
Are you in a good mood?
> so so.
Is there anything in your past that you’d like to try again?
> I would love to just let all my rage go through drinking sessions with my best buddies.
Do you have a best friend?
> yes, but they are all abroad.
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Unwelcome Remark
November 7th, 2008 by dimapakali
Don’t you just hate it when people you barely know come up to you and say, “Ang taba mo ngayon.” If I was given a hundred pesos every time someone say that to me, I will be a millionaire by now. I swear. My friends will probably argue that my pledges mean nothing and I have a tendency to exaggerate, but this, unfortunately, is not the case this time.
I’ve gotten a lot of flak from well-meaning friends and relatives about my weight, and now is the perfect time for me to face the fact that I really do need to go on a diet. Just a few minutes ago somebody (insert expletive here) ask me if I were on pills because I’ve been putting on a lot of weight. That was just hilarious, and it left me temporarily dumbfounded. Thankfully somebody chastised the person who made the remark and said, “Bakit naman magpipills iyan eh wala namang asawa yan!”
Good point. I don’t mean to be on pills because I have pretty much accepted my fate as an unattractive and unlovable (that’s what my ex-husband said) single mother. Accepting this was not easy dough though. I turned to everything from binge eating to running dvd marathons. I can say that I am definitely in a better place now (i.e., I can now tell you that the guy I married is such an irresponsible loser without shedding a tear), but it did came at a cost — my (insert another expletive here) weight.
I am so fat that I could barely fit into my old jeans, and that is just depressing because it means that I have to buy new clothes which I can ill afford. I am so fat that I could hardly look in the mirror anymore because it just makes me doubt myself more. And a shattered self-esteem is hard to handle, especially after what I have just been through. Sigh.
That pills remark was my wake up call. I vow to start cutting down on sweets and soft drinks. I promise to eliminate rice on my diet. And I will do it next Monday…
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Walang Magawa
November 5th, 2008 by dimapakali
Proof of my extreme boredom is that lately I’ve been reading the entertainment section of some local tabloids. It is amusing to read about the inanities of the local entertainment scene. It is exciting to live vicariously through these celebrities. Marian Rivera is probably walking in cloud nine right now. After all, she just caused the break up of Dingdong and Karylle who have been couples longer than I have been married to the negative wrong one. Alfie Lorenzo, on the other hand, is probably walking with an ax hanging over his head. After all, his prized talent, Judy Ann Santos, is about to get married and is starting to assert her independence. The nerve of the ingrate to do things without consulting him! He, after all, was the only man person who was able to see a star amidst all the fats and tackiness of the younger star.
The one bit of gossip that affected me deeply concerns Candy Pangilinan. Yeah, the irritating bit actress who does not know the meaning of the word “subtle”. She was asked about her annulment, and she said that the guy she married might as well be a ghost. He supposedly just disappeared off the phase of the earth. Hmmm, that just sounds strangely familiar. Hey, Candy, what’s the name of the guy you married? Are you sure we didn’t marry the same loser user person?
Oh, before you judge me “bakya”, let me just make it clear that I don’t just follow the local entertainment scene. I’ve gone international (Like I said, I have way too much time in my hand). I cringe every time I see photos of Zac and his Pinay girlfriend who may be related to GMA for making a lapse in judgment and for having her pictures taken while naked. (I apologize if I gave you mental pictures of GMA naked.)
For the record, I am not “bakya”. I am just drowning in ennui… hehehe
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A Cataclysmic Assignment
August 31st, 2008 by dimapakali
The following is part of an assignment that I submitted as a requirement for Guidance and Counseling:
I remember attending a relationship seminar before getting married. The resource person stressed the importance of communication in marriage. He said that trust, fostered by an open communication between the couple, is one of the foundations of successful relationships. It is unfortunate that I was too preoccupied with the details of my wedding to keep in mind all his words of wisdom. It could have saved me from the pain, bitterness and uncertainty caused by a separation.
My husband and I were an odd fit from the start. He is carefree, outgoing and artistic while I am demanding, serious, and shy. Our relationship was met with a lot of raised eyebrows and doubt. How could our relationship work when we have nothing in common? He is a hip-hop artist, while I hardly listen to music, let alone rap music! I am committed to my work, while he is committed to his craft. How could it possibly work?
We made it work. We loved each other. We complemented each other. We both filled what the other one lacked. Besides, we connected intellectually. He was one of the smartest and interesting individual that I have ever met. He made me see things from a different perspective. I was drawn to his passion for his craft because it resonated with my own passion for work. I was drawn to him because he was exciting and fun – a far cry from the usual people I normally encounter in school.
We loved each other and we started making plans for the future. We were discouraged by the people around us, but we both didn’t listen to them. We both reasoned that they were not the ones involved in the relationship. At the end of the day, the relationship was between us, and it was up to both of us to make it work.
Now, almost three years after we vowed to love and support each other unconditionally, he decided to leave me and our daughter to find himself again. He said that it was suffocating being with me and my extended family. He said that he was tired from all the fighting and pretending. He said that he wasn’t himself whenever he was with me.
On hindsight, I would say that what caused the demise of my marriage was we both stopped trying. We stopped talking and listening to each other. Our attempts to talk usually ended in bitter fights. Communicating was reduced to a blame game wherein both of us tried to outscore each other by digging up the past. It was painful communicating. No matter how hard we tried to be reasonable, we always ended up fighting and hating each other’s guts.
Our relationship was reduced to a battle of the wills, wherein each of us was trying to impose his/her will on the other. I began questioning his intentions in marrying me. I began to listen to my parents, who never failed (they still do!) to point out to me that staying with my husband is a mistake. I got so preoccupied with my doubts and concerns that I stopped empathizing with my husband. I started resenting his passion for his music, which I initially admired and respected. I began seeing his craft and everyone involved in it as “competition” for his affection. I stopped understanding him. I stopped seeing his good sides and started focusing on his bad sides.
I began to see myself as a victim, and made him feel guilty every chance I got. I became so paranoid that his attempts of sharing his other concerns with put me on a defensive mode. For me, his sharing his problems with me was his way of blaming me and making me feel guilty for everything wrong that was happening in his life. Gradually, we stopped talking and started suppressing our thoughts and concerns. It was our means to avoid trouble and to stay together. It didn’t work though. The ploy eventually blew up in our faces. We became miserable and secretly blamed each other.
One day he just left and didn’t come back. It devastated me when he refused to come back despite my pleas. It was humiliating contacting all his friends, so that I can reach him. It was even more difficult going to work as if nothing happened. All I wanted was to stay in bed and wallow in pity, but skipping work and disappointing my family was a luxury I couldn’t afford.
My husband was far from perfect. He had countless faults. But he was not the only one in the relationship; we were both responsible for the break up. Both of us have a strong personality – this strength ultimately became our weakness because we both refused to compromise to try to make things work. He refused to stay and find work near our place. It was torturous and emasculating for him to live under the same room with my parents. He was too involved in his craft that he began to neglect his responsibility as a provider – both financially and emotionally. I, on the other hand, was so accustomed and comfortable in our set up that I failed to notice that he was suffering. I refused to leave my work and to start working in the metro. The prospect of working for another person and not being in control scares me. The prospect of quitting school is even scarier. My family and the school (i.e., the teachers and students) are important to me. Quitting is tantamount to disappointing all of them, including myself.
Now if only I could turn back time…
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Birthday Musings
August 21st, 2008 by dimapakali
The time for grand romantic gestures is up. Now I have to face reality that I really didn’t end up with my prince charming, that our love story doesn’t have a happy ending. Much as I want to continuously hope that he will show up in my doorstep with a bunch of flowers and dark chocolates to woo me back, I have to wake up from my stupor and rejoin the human race.
The past few years have been tough. It took every ounce of my strength to put up a brave front and to show everyone in my world that I made the right decision to get married and to stick it up with him. And now I am spent. I am done pretending. I was not okay. I am still not okay. How could I be? My marriage is a failure. The guy whom I adored and loved the most just disappointed and hurt me. The prospect of raising Jamie alone is daunting – and so is finding love and happiness in my imperfect little world.
I am just thankful that the whole ordeal did not embitter me. I guess I really am an Atenean after all. I still believe. I believe that God has other plans for me and Dough. But I am through foolishly hoping for a miracle of heart. I now accept that it is over, so I have to move on – wounded but slowly recovering.
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Disconnected
May 4th, 2008 by dimapakali
Warning: The following are just rumblings of a disoriented person. Read at your own peril.
It’s strange how time flies fast. I can still remember being a girl playing with her barbie dolls while dreaming about her fairy tale wedding. The barbie dolls are nowhere to be found now, and I am pretty sure that the wedding will just remain a dream. What I had was a fiesta — heck! my husband even spent our wedding night drinking with his buddies rather than getting himself re-acquainted with my wonderland.
I find it ironic that I am pouring everything here on friendster — the frequent cause of my squabbles with my husband. You probably think I am petty for frequently picking a fight with my husband just because he spends a lot of time online. Well, I won’t argue with you. Picking a fight over something as trivial as putting only one girl on one’s featured friends’ list may seem unreasonable and even silly, but it still find it unsettling to be married to someone who could spend all day and night talking about his exes and female friends, but who’s always tired or busy whenever his wife is having another bout of verbal diarrhea coupled with self-pity.
I remember reading an article on FHM about being married to a porn addict. It got me thinking. What is worse — surfing porn sites or spending hours looking up other girls on the net? A part of me is saying that it’s just natural and harmless for men to look at other girls. But another part of me is screaming that there is something wrong with someone who would rather build superficial bonds of friendships with his or her thousands of “friendsters” than strengthen his or her bond with those close to him or her.
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Jamimi
February 19th, 2007 by dimapakali
The first time I saw her, I couldn’t help wondering if the tiny creature in my arms was indeed my daughter. She looked so frail that I had a hard time clutching her in my arms. I also couldn’t see any resemblance between me and her. My mom said that she looked just like me when I was still a baby but my mother-in-law said the same thing to my husband. I guess the game of trying to influence the baby has began. And it looks as if my mom is at an advantage. After all, we are going to live with them for the meantime (which has now stretched to 4 months, 17 days and 15 hours).
Jamie didn’t looked like the baby one usually sees in tv and print ads. She actually reminded me of a monkey because she was so red and hairy. But the moment she opened her eyes and looked at me, I just melted. All my doubts disappeared. She is indeed her mama’s daughter. There is no denying the fact that she got my chinky eyes (the only difference is that hers had this adorable ability of growing bigger every time she stares at something). She even has my smile. Now I could be comforted with the knowledge that she seems all set for life. She is after all already armed with the looks. And I’ve got no doubt in my mind that she’s smart. In fact, as early as now, she already commands the household. Can you believe it? I mean, I am 26 years old but my folks rarely listen to me. But they are at Jamie’s beck and call.
Don’t get any wrong idea though. Jamie is no mini-me. In fact, she also took a lot from her papa. The only problem is she seems to have inherited the gross quirks that come with being a guy. She drools and farts a lot. In fact, I think she could beat her papa in a farting competition anytime. Her feet also smells especially when it is hot. Sometimes it reminds me of adobo. She also has this habit of scratching her ears whenever she is sleepy or irritated. She also has a temper. She likes to be the center of attention. Try ignoring her and you will hear a shriek so shrill that I often fear that the bulbs at home will break.
Well, that’s Jamimi, my baby, my princess, my boss and my love.
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Letters
July 18th, 2006 by dimapakali
Dear Jaimie,
What’s up, sweetie? I hope you are not plotting how to get even with me. I know that I deserve whatever you’ll do to me but I would like you to know that whatever undue discomfort and pain that i might have caused you are just incidental. I was dazed and confused. And this condition has rendered me momentarily heartless and brainless.
I am sorry for the countless months of just ignoring you. I was foolishly hoping that you weren’t real. That you were just a bug, a fluke that would go away in time. Thank god, you are much more stronger than I am. You held on and I will always love you for that, sweetie…
You have caught me at my weakest moment. But I assure you that everything is bound to change from now on. Keep the faith, sweetie. I’ll see you soon…
M.
Dear Mom,
How come I haven’t heard from dad in ages? Are you guys on another short hiatus from each other? :p
You’ve got to give yourself much more credit than that, mom. What you went through was hell considering that you led a sheltered existence. What you went tnrought these past few months was probably like being left in the jungle without anything but the clothes on your back…Thank god you didn’t get lost. You survived and that makes you the strongest woman in my book…
Hmmm, I got to go back to sleep now. I’m sorry for being such a pain in the neck sometimes… I love you…
Jaimie
ps
Thanks, mom. To your credit, the thought of getting rid of me has never crossed your mind… :p
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Surreal Conversation with a 21st Century Sage
June 12th, 2005 by dimapakali
Below is the transcript of a conversation I had with Principessa Selena, a 24 year old homosexual who is trying his damnest to look like a metrosexual:
Q: Good afternoon, sir. How do you want me to address you?
A: You can call me Principessa Selena. I’ve always wanted to become a European princess. Unfortunately, the cosmos messed up that’s why I ended up being a rag princess trapped in a total toad’s body.
Q: Well, Principessa Selena, what do you think of the proliferation of the metrosexuals in the city?
A: Personally, I think they are just muddling the gay pscyhe. Before I could tell if someone is straight or not just by looking at his fashion sense, but now I would have to subject someone to an acid test first before I could be really sure.
Q: An acid test? What’s that?
A: Well, it’s a series of questions and tasks that you give to a guy with a questionable sexual orientation. It’s not exactly foolproof but it has been known to sniff out even the most suppressed gays in the closet.
Q: That’s interesting. Can you tell me some of the questions or tasks?
A: Well, you could ask the guy in question who does he think look better Brad Pitt or Clive Owen. If he answers Brad, then he is probably gay. If he answers Clive, then he is surely gay. (hahaha)
Q: But that seems like a trick question…
A: It is. But you have to realize, sweetie, that closet cases are very smart and guarded so you would have to take them by surprise to get to them… A straight guy would surely answer "Who the f*?^ is Clive Owen?".
Q: Oh… Well, Principessa Selena, what is the last film that you’ve seen that really made an impact on you?
A: The Schindler’s List. I watched it last night and the atrocities that men are capable of just shook my entire being. I just don’t get it. What do these people have against the Jews anyway? Why them? Why not the Chinese?
Q: (stifled laughter) What? What do you have against the Chinese?
A: Well, nothing really. I was just trying to make a point. Although now that you mentioned it, have you ever met a Chinese homosexual? I think they are the most repressed race in the world and I pity them for it. A repressed life is no life at all. It is just a poor substitute.
Q: Are you telling me that you don’t have any repression whatsoever?
A: Hmmm, I wouldn’t be completely honest if i tell you that I don’t. I do but I try to keep it at the minimum… Every one has his or her own repressions. There’s nothing wrong with that. But what is wrong is if one is gonna allow these repressions to have a leash on one’s life.
Q: What can you advise those who are still trying to figure out who they are then?
A: Be true, be yourself. I know it’s cliche but it’s true. There is no way one could be truly happy leading a life filled with lies and pretenses. For these lies and pretenses would eventually backfire on you…
Q: Do you consider yourself an enlightened person?
A: No. It would be totally presumptuous and self-righteous of me if I do. I just consider myself mature.
Q: What makes you say that you are mature then?
A: The answer is pretty simple actually. If you find yourself attracted to an ugly person, then you are… It means that you are no longer stuck in high school wherein people are judged by the way they looked. It means that you have come to the place wherein you are able to catch glimpses of the soul of different people and you find that extremely enchanting…
Q: Are you saying that you are attracted to someone right now?
A: (sheepish smile) I am mature, ain’t I?
Q: What are your plans for the future then?
A: I plan to go to law school.
Q: Why?
A: Well, I had a dream one night and God whispered to me that that’s the place where I could finally get laid (evil laughter in the background)…
Q: Are you serious?
A: I am. I guess I am just sick and tired of law students saying that they want to help the poor and the oppressed. Get out of here!!! Most guys go to law school because they think that it’s a surefire way of getting fame, money and prestige. Most girls go to law school so that they would meet guys who would probably be holding the country’s purse in the future… As for my kind, we go to law school because we can!!!
And yeah, I almost forgot, we go there to promote world peace too. :p
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